my heart.

Where are you right now Mercy? Are you staying warm at night? Are you getting enough to eat? Know that I love you so much, and I am praying that our Daddy is surrounding you and ravishing His love on you. I will see you again my beautiful princess.

I chose to write this blog.

Being a junior/senior this year, inevitably my future has come up a lot; what I will do next year, if I should go ahead and apply to colleges, which ones I should apply to..etc. And whenever a huge decision came up that needed acting upon, I immediately went into prayer and prayed that the Lord would tell me where to go and where he wanted me..but more often than not, I got no answer and was confused. I mean, I was going to Him for this stuff and I was listening with an open heart, so why did he not tell me where I need to go?
Then I realized that I was trying to get God to make my decisions for me. Please don't mistake what I'm saying as 'you shouldn't go to him in prayer and earnestly seek after his will', because I believe with all my heart that you should go to God with every decision; big and small. But one thing that the Lord has really been teaching me lately is that he is completely passionate about our free will.
He doesn't want to make decisions for you, he doesn't want mindless robots or puppets to control that go on auto-pilot. He has wonderfully and fearfully made us with the freedom to be able to choose.
I have gotten that question before, 

"If there is a God (haha) who loves as much as the bible says, why couldn't he just make us love him back if he has that power?"

Well let me ask you this, if you fell in love with somebody, would you want them to be forced to love you back, or would you want them to love you back, simply because they love you? He wants us to choose to love him, just like he wants us to make decisions, that aren't forced, that glorify him.


I can promise you this, no matter what you choose in life, no decision can stop God's glory from shining through. Yes there are most definitely choices that are better than others, and in some decisions you make you will see God's glory in a much bigger way than others, but even if you don't make the 'right' choice, you will still see the hand of God at work. Because frankly, God is a whole heck of a lot bigger than any choice we could ever make.


But don't get me wrong, our sovereign Lord still helps us make decisions too. He still does divine callings and is just as live and active as he was in the old testament (but that is a whole other blog in itself), but even if he were to come right out and say what we need to do, we would still have the choice to act on it.

One thing I hear people say a lot is "Man I wish God called me to do cool stuff like travel the world or go live and be homeless or something radical and crazy, but he's not." But just take a step back and look at you're life. Did God call you to go sit and watch tv for an hour? Did he call you to go to the mall? Did he call you to read this blog? Chances are, he didn't. But you did them anyway didn't you?  Why is it that people only need to be 'called' when it comes to doing things for God?

..conviction!

We are DONE!

Satan,

You have to stop calling me; I told you it’s over. We broke up 2 years ago and I still see you hanging outside my door, disrupting me at school, even following me to family dinners! But we'll never get back together. You and I both know we have become estranged and I’m serious when I say we are through.  I know we used to spend weeks at a time together carefree, just doing whatever we wanted but I told you that was puppy love, back then I had no idea what real love is! 

Aside from that you’re such a liar! You always told me how I 'had' to dress, the 'right' way to look, and you always told me I needed these worthless things when I didn't! We always did what you wanted to do and you promised again and again that we would have the time of our lives but somehow I was always left cleaning up the mess at the end of yet another disappointing day. To be perfectly honest you never did satisfy me and your so not attractive to me anymore. I thought more partying, gossiping, and more time with you would do the trick but it only burned me out. And here you are trying to serenade me again. Did you think I wouldn’t notice that you are trying to get with all my friends?! Even my family! How sick are you?

Anyways I wanted to tell you once and for all, the rumors are true: I’m with Jesus and we are married now and yes He is that guy you always hated and even tried convinced me to hate. You really turned on the waterworks when you noticed me notice him, but that is not going to work anymore.  You told me about his family, how they don’t know how to have a good time, how they aren’t into “free living” like us. But I met them and they aren’t how you said they are, actually quite the opposite. I am almost flattered that you would try so hard to get my attention but no matter what you do or how you try you could never be half the man my Jesus is.  Stop calling me, stop following me; it’s just not going to happen.

Good riddance,

Julie

[dis]content.

The first time I heard 'The Anthem' by Jake Hamilton, I was sitting on my roof looking at the stars, completely awestruck, tears falling down my eyes, as I heard Jake belting. 

I am royalty. I have destiny. I have been set free. I will shake history. 

He's calling, wake up child. It's your turn to shine. You were born for such a time as this.

Fast forward now, a couple weeks later sitting in a field at my church. Screaming these wonderful words over and over again, they echoed through my earbuds and became a declaration over my own life. I had no idea the power or gravity of what I was saying, how I was indeed created with such purpose in mind. My sole purpose of existence is for glory.
Let me tell you, screaming at the top of your lungs, "I am going to change the world" does something to you. And then a couple days later I had one of 'those' moments. The kind where it all just clicks.
I was driving in George (my jeep wrangler) as the song came on my iPod, so naturally I turned up the volume. For those of you who have never heard this song, listen to it and you'll see why. And I heard the words, 'I can hear the footsteps of my king..'
then it got to

Wake up child, it's your turn to shine, you were born for such a time as this.

You may not know this about me, but I am a generally discontented person. All last year the only thought going through my head was Africa, and how excited I was. In Africa, time slowed. I learned a very valuable lesson that I have forgotten every since I've come back to America; to not worry about the future and what is happening next. In Kenya we had NO concept of time or what was coming next. It was so freeing! But ever since I have been back I have been thinking about what is coming next so much. What do I do about this year? Next year? College? Where is my next trip? Even just getting through the week for the weekend, which goes by much to fast. Then going through the whole next week just looking forward to Friday again.


It's robbed me.


It has robbed me of just enjoying where I am right now. This way of thinking has kept me from understanding how I was born for such a time as this. I've spent too much of my life wondering about how I'm going to get to the next thing and glorifying it in my head that I don't know how to enjoy the right now.  The truth is that whether i am in Bolivia, Russia, or Klein Collins High School, I'll never find true contentment as long as I'm searching for it in my circumstances.  When I can look beyond where I am at, who I'm with, and what I'm doing; beyond all of the junk, injustice, poverty, and chaos; when I can look past it all and lock eyes with the king of kings, that's when I'll find contentment and that's when a deep resolve will rest in my heart of hearts to say "it really doesn't matter."  none of it...good, bad, right and wrong, the hell and the happiness.  It all goes away when i can stand solely upon who the Lord is and who I am to him.


I'm choosing to say that i was born for such a time as this. 11 months ago 'this' was in colorado, 5 months it was in goergia, 4 months it was kenya, yesterday it was sitting at starbucks. It's all kingdom.  It's all destiny.  It's all a part of shaking history.  Would i rather be holding aids babies in eburru, kenya or walking in kibera?  yes.  I would rather be doing that.  but i believe the lord will give me all of those things back, in one way or another, in his timing.

but today, i'm choosing to fight for contentment.  

i'm choosing to declare that i was born for such a time as this.  

and i'm battling to make this good enough.

beloved.

So, the last 11 weeks of my life have been spent doing many things... but the biggest of those has been ME discovering who I am... discovering that I am The Beloved. This is what it's been looking like:

there is nothing that I can do that make Him love me more

there is also nothing I can do to make Him love me less

He loves me.. because He loves me... because He loves me... because He loves me...

because THAT is what He is like. it is HIS NATURE to love. I will always be The Beloved.

He loves me 100% as I am right now in this moment.

He loves all the way, all the time.

His love never changes... but what does change is my ability to receive His love.

so He says, "open your heart. give Me whatever is holding you back right now, because I love you as you are right now."  just be loved.

i am The Beloved

it's my JOB to be loved outrageously

He has set His love upon me so that I would live as one that IS outrageously loved

bc that is who He is! this is the I AM that He promised to be.

He says, "just love Me back with the love I give to you"

"love Me back outrageously!"

"you can only love Me as much as you love yourself"

and that is what I've seen... I have been set into a whirlwind of freedom 

His love has set me free from how I see myself

His love has set me free from myself

from the smallness of my own thinking about who I am...

    rejected

        unimportant 

            ashamed 

                guilty

                    in despair 

                        lonely ...

when He looks at me...He sees something that He loves. He sees someone that He can and does love. He sees someone that He can love outrageously.

He says, "I see so much that I want to give you. I see so many places I want to take you, but you can't go there until you let Me love you."

His love for me is doing it... it's breaking down every barrier and bringing every wall crashing down. 

His love has DAMAGED the fear in my life.

His love fights fear.

His love fights the fear inside of me.

His love fights to fear around me. 

He told me, "you are My Beloved and in My love, I want you to feel good about yourself."

I do. I feel good about myself. I am The Beloved. I am beautiful. I have many gifts. I am needed and wanted. I bring God-encounters to everyone I meet. I am a woman of high honor and courage that fears God. I am a woman with a growing ability to receive His love... a woman that is learning more each day about His love for me... so that I can love others more... and love Him back the most. 

I am The Beloved